Does anyone live w/ others..relatives or other wise. $ wise I just can't afford to live on my own, by default I am living w/ a friend {adopted daughter-sorta} and her young kids. I am barely making it and since I am new to living in this state I don't have much of a life..there for I am home alot...which means every time a sitter is needed guess who gets asked...I pay hardly nothing to live here {other then being a live in housekeeper} and usually not doing anything anyway but.....it sure feels like I am being taken advantage of ...sometimes I just wanna say to her "gee maybe I would like to go out too"...I don't complain because I am grateful or I just could be living in my car or a shelter....I had my first day at a new job today..all I wanted to do was come home , relax and hopefully set up alittle out of the way sewing corner....can't do that babysitting kids who do nothing but fight.....I feel complied to clean as the house is a mess..I started the dishwasher at 7am and now it needs to be empited...its 4 in the afternoon.....there are toys thrown everywhere.
she was going to hire something to come clean 3 bathrms and pay 60.00 told her i would do it as my car ins is due..well that was 3 days ago and no word on getting pd....please any advise?
thank-you
dee

Oh Dee, it sounds like you are having a hard time. My husband and I have taken in several family members over the last 7 years, each time that family member was going through tough times and needed a cheap place to stay. I can tell you that living with loved ones is difficult at best. We don't want to be taken advantage of, but we don't want to overstep our bounds either.

My best advice (which admitedly I have not always followed) is to sit down and talk with your friend/daughter and work out an agreement. That is, "I will clean the house for $60 if you pay me up front." Or, you might say that you agree to do certain chores and babysit once per week (or something like this) in exchange for their hospitality. This will keep her from asking you to babysit five times a week and expecting you to shine the house everyday. You also should try planning inexpensive outings for yourself and telling her your sorry you can't babysit tonight, you have something planned. Go to a movie, join a quilt guild or bee, or just go window shopping. Make a schedule of your own. And don't be afraid to say, "I am sorry, I can't babysit tonight, I have plans to finish a baby quilt for a friend. But I am free on Thursday if you need help then." Bottom line, communication.

By the way, if you join a local guild or bee, it will be a wonderful way to meet new folks in your new town. And these new folks will share your love of quilting.

I hope this helps. Hang in there. Roomates take time to adjust, no matter the circumstances.

dee, i feel for you, friend, been there, am there, done that, am doing that! it is hard. and jess is right - communication is key. i don't know if your friend being "like a daughter" (actually i thought she WAS your daughter, but that is really neither here nor there . . .) rather than your own flesh & blood will make the talk any better, but something tells me from what you are saying that you will be in much the same shape i was in about 18 months ago if you DON'T have some type of conversation as jess suggests. i should probably put all this advice in a PM, but hey if it helps you and/or anyone else, then i am not too shamed to tell my experience.

as i've told you in another thread, my oldest daughter (age 25) still lives with us as well as her daughter (age 4) and have for wren's entire life - emily has never been on her own yet. mistakes have been made, but that is not what this conversation is about. anyway, in efforts to keep peace among everyone, i almost let myself become a doormat in my own home. emily all but handed care/discipline, etc., of wren to me prior to feb. 2006. i would say something to billy, get told he would take care of it, nothing changes, (remember we are talking over a span of 2 1/2 years) emily has NOT return to school at this point and basically is sleeping every chance, rousing only long enough to take wren to daycare, then sleeping again until time to go to her job. if i asked for something to be done, i would be told "sure momma" then again no action. if i pressed the issue, fights (arguments really) would ensue. then i would have billy telling me to not rock the boat, to not be so hard and demanding of my "own way" so much. not defending him, but please remember he is on the road all week and really was not witnessing anything but my "complaints". and my complaints were steadily happening because i was feeling used and seemed unable to get that noticed short of walking out or asking for a divorce. yes, fights & arguments were becoming commonplace for us - and we truly do not fight (except when painting, but i digress there lol). also in the middle of this is my younest daughter, who quite frankly was feeling neglected, and being a drama princess herself, was letting me know it - i was pulled in more ways than anyone can sanely handle. also, throw into the mix the fact that my mother died unexpectedly in the middle of all this - that added a whole other set of problems as i was executrix of her small estate (her house really, but still had to have her will probated).

then it hit one day, i came down with shingles. in persons my age, everything i have read about the subject points to stress being the root cause of shingles - that and my immunce system being worn down from all the responsibilities that seemed to be heaped on my shoulders and me not taking care of myself properly, not eating right, not sleeping right, etc. - and yes, i do take responsibility for my part in that i allowed it to happen by backing down when billy asked to avoid another argument and allowing myself to be that doormat, even temporarily until the next time i blew my stack. with the diagnosis of shingles, i was also diagnosed with high blood pressure - actually nearing stroke levels. then an infection set in that even the doctor wasn't aware of until it was well on its way to becoming an out of control infection - landed me in the hospital on IV antibiotics for more than a week. see? God is good even in this in that He only allowed shingles & the resulting infection to make me wake up and take notice. it could have so easily been a stroke. and yes it made billy sit up and take notice. actually i am not sure if emily would've taken notice except my sister stepped in and had a few choice words to her niece - believe me, it was several days before emily would even come around - i have no clue where she & wren were those few days - but she did come around. things in my household are better now - not perfect, but better. i am learning to handle situations in a better manner and yes billy has learned that not all complaing is meant only as "fussing" for "fussing's" sake - sometimes it is valid and real. emily is back in school. i have described myself as a mother bird that still loves her chick, but like a mother bird, since emily won't leave the nest, then i am going to have to boot her out but that i am seeing to it that she gets prepared to fly by finishing school AS LONG AS things do not return back to the way they were. respect goes both ways and if i didn't teach that lesson as well as i should have earlier, then it is being taught now.

yes being hard is breaking my heart sometimes - but i guess that's what is meant by the phrase "tough love" and yes sometimes you even have to be "tough" by taking up for and taking care of yourself. and yes PRAY!!! pray for God to give you wisdom in all these decisions - He will guide you to the right decision, to know when to speak up and when to hush up.

oh lawsy, i have written a novel and now you all know all the dirt on me. dee, PM me anytime you need to or send me an email. my email addy is in my profile. i am here for you in whatever way i can be.

ok i am off my soapbox now . . .

Cindy..all I could do was keep nodding my head up and down in agreement as i read this....certainly we all know that none of us have perfect kids, and none of us has parented perfectly...(I know I haven't) just did the best I could with what I thought was right. My youngest has always been my "challenge child" I love her to pieces..but have recently had to take the "tough love" stance with her. Now that i remember what I put my Mom thru when I was young...I would just love to beg her forgiveness!! (believe you me, I was a brat!!) I really enjoyed your so called novel..as it made me realize we are all alike in so many ways!! By the way, this little ditty does not connect in any way with this post, my daughter does not live at home anymore...probably for the best

I just want to take a minute to stand up and applaud you ladies. I've had my heartaches, but for some strange reason (knock wood) my kids are doing ok. Frankly, I believe strongly that its by the grace of God - I say that a lot.

Before I moved to CT, I practiced as a psychologist in MI. I saw lots of people with these issues and girls, you are all so right. Communication IS the key. And like you Cindy, most women (and sometimes men) have to learn to put their own health at the top of their priority list. After all, you can't help others if you're sick yourself

Now I'm off my soapbox. Dee, you've got some great support here, and the experiences of these women will hopefully boost you.

Lizzie

Dee - have been in your situation more than once...first with an aunt in CA and second with hubby's friend in CT. If you can help it at all, don't room in with family or friends since you may not end up family or friends after a while. If your finances permit, I would suggest renting a room with another person, recommended so that you're not completely with a stranger, but the expectations are different and it becomes a completely financial arrangement. I don't know where in Las Vegas you are but my in-laws live there near or in Summerlin (?). They are pretty active in their church and may know an elder couple who have the room and are willing to rent out some space. PM me if you want and we'll see where we go from there.

Tata

Debbie-

You and I must look like a couple of Red Wing bobble-head figures, reading the "novel". I am in the same situation right now. Both of my boys are very strong-willed, I knew right from the get-go with the first one, that I had to be firm or he'd walk all over me. Fortunately, I did not have any interference from my MIL, and I did have support from my own mother, who had raised her share of strong-willed children. We had some bumpy times in high school, but he was still in basic training when he called and said he finally got it. Said that if he had paid closer attention to my advice he would be at the Academy instead of boot camp.

The second one has been an entirely differnt story. I should point out here that these two are from two different marriages; I have given birth the two "heir apparents", in that each boy is the only male child to carry on the family name. There are no cousins, no matter how distant. A fact that they and their respective paternal grandparents have never let me forget.

The second son has a sleeping disorder. This has caused him to lose over a year of credits and kept him from graduating this June. He is now enrolled in an adult ed program. The first few weeks he did beautifully, I was so encouraged. Now I am starting to see some of his old habits creep back into his routine. Anything I say, he immediately goes on the defensive. He has a fair amount of his grandfather (who thinks women are second-class citizens and particularly dislikes me for my feminist leanings) in him, so we are often like oil and water. And given who my FIL is, my DH's upbringing was totally dysfunctional. He knows it is not the right way to raise children, but is often at a loss what to do instead. He is very supportive, but I am always the general and he is always my trusty aide in these issues.

As much as I love this man-child, I CANT'T WAIT TO BE AN EMPTY-NESTER!!!!!!! The stress is taking a real physical toll on both DH and me. And as difficult as this may be, I think he needs to get out into the real world where Grandpa can't coddle him and bail him out all the time, before he can see that I have done my job. My job as a mother is to see that he has the skills to be self-reliant, independent, and a contributing member of society.

So far in the parenting department, guess I am batting about .500, hoping to bring that average up before my career in the starting line up is over.

There are no easy answers, Dee. I think Tata is on to something though. If you can find another arrangement through a church while you sort things out. Having a little breathing space helps when one is trying to gain some perspective.

Tata - you are just a fountain of knowledge and connections! Yea, TATA!

Thanks, Doreen. Just trying to help anyway I can. Good idea Meg to try the church bulletin first, Dee. Las Vegas is a very diverse community...lots of Filipinos out there. Unfortunately, I lost touch with most of my friends and cannot explore this route. Let us know your progress.

Tata

Thanks for your post meg, nice to know I have another kindred spirit out there!! with a "challenge child" as I like to call them!!!I kind of like the idea of b eing a bobble head!!!